“Nobody owes you anything”

I’ll try to make this a short rant, one that I will seek to make as coherently as I can.

Not long ago, the phrase “Nobody owes you anything” came up again when I was speaking with someone. I say again because this is a phrase I’ve heard a lot in various contexts. In talking about friendships. Relationships. Family. Peers. Strangers.

I’ve typically heard it from people around my age and I feel like it’s said more amongst Zoomers and Millennials. However, this is anecdotal and older people may also say similar things just as frequently.

To put it bluntly, I hate this phrase.

Along with the different versions of it. “She doesn’t owe them anything.” “He doesn’t owe you anything ”. “I don’t owe her anything.”

To be fair, there is an interpretation of this phrase that is certainly correct.

People have their own autonomy and they generally should not be compelled to do something against their will (I say generally because we do have laws after all).

For instance, if I’m walking on the street and a stranger approaches me to talk, I shouldn’t be forced to stay and talk with them. Legally or morally.

So there’s that for sure.

But let me share a couple of other scenarios.

I’m walking on the street and a stranger comes up to me and asks for directions. I am able to give them to him. But I deliberately choose to ignore him. Since I don’t really feel like talking to him and I’d rather continue scrolling on my phone.

I just say to myself, “I don’t owe him anything.”

Let’s say I’m at school now and as I’m planning to go home, I run into one of my peers who is struggling with an assignment and asks for my help. I am able to help them. But I choose to say no and say I have other things to do. In reality, I do have plenty of spare time but I’d rather spend it binging my show on Netflix.

I just say to myself, “I don’t owe them anything. Plus, I’m not even really friends with them.”

I trust the reader is able to see the problem.

I’m using this maxim, “Nobody owes you anything”, as a reason to be selfish and to treat others in a callous manner.

Now, I don’t think we should live in a society where I would be literally forced to help the people mentioned above, to the point of being legally punished.

But there are morals and codes of conduct that exist outside of what should be deemed as ‘illegal’.

We have an interest in living harmoniously with one another and we ought to treat each other with care, respect, and generosity when we can.

As we interact with the world, we know that there are other people with personal and emotional lives like us. We should be cognizant of those around us and their emotions, interests, and needs. And we should help them and be kind to them when we can.

I feel as though people use the maxim, “Nobody owes you anything”, when they do not wish to do that.

When they would rather be self-centered and unconcerned with others’ feelings.

They may not act this way all the time, but they’ll choose situations where they say they can.

The maxim is then just used as an excuse to be insensitive and egocentric.

In a way, I would say there are things that we ‘owe’ to each other.

Again, not in the sense of being forced at gunpoint.

But there are duties that we have to each other as human beings, one of which is to be kind, respectful, and compassionate to each other. Even if we might not be in the best mood to do so.

I know, this is very obvious (at least I hope so), as we are all taught this from an early age (again, at least I hope so).

These are the things I heard when I was a kid.

“Sharing is caring.” “Lend a helping hand when you can.” “Be respectful unless the person disrespects you” “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything” “A little empathy goes a long way.”

The maxim, “Nobody owes you anything”, fails to take all this into account. Hence, it would be wrong.

Now, I wish to apply this to a context that is a little more controversial: relationships.

The maxim is uttered quite frequently when people talk about relationships. In some instances, I think it’s legitimate. In others, not so much.

For instance, let’s say a guy and a girl go out on a first date and it goes really well. The guy then contacts the girl to try to go out on a second date. Unfortunately for him, the girl refuses for whatever reason. Could be her, him, lack of time. Doesn’t matter.

The guy then says to her (either verbally or in his imagination): “You owe me. I took you out on a date. Showed you a good time. Paid for dinner. And this is how you repay me? You owe it to me to go on another date.”

Unless the reader is incredibly chauvinistic, I can imagine they can see the issue with this.

Even if the first date went well, the girl doesn’t owe the guy her time again and shouldn’t go on a second date if she doesn’t want to. Also, the guy is clearly overreacting and is making an unreasonable ask of a girl whom he isn’t really in a relationship with. Thus, he would be wrong.

But take a different scenario.

Let’s say a guy and a girl have been dating for about a year. They’ve shared great memories together and things had been going quite well.

However, the girl then feels she wants to break up with him, for whatever reason. Maybe she has been losing interest and doesn’t want to feel trapped in the relationship.

But she doesn’t want to go through the trouble of having that break-up conversation in person.

Hence, she decides to just ghost him. She cuts all contact with him.

The guy texts and calls the girl repeatedly to no answer. He is left confused and devastated for, prior to that, he had no idea the relationship was going south.

The girl then says to herself, “Well, I technically don’t owe him anything. I’m my own person and I need to do what is best for me. I shouldn’t have to put myself through a difficult conversation if I don’t want to.”

(I realize this can be read as though this has all personally happened to me. Rest assured that it hasn’t, not yet anyway).

To me, this would be rather unbecoming of her.

The girl is being extremely self-centered and rather inconsiderate of the guy’s feelings. The two have been together for some time and there would presumably be a lot involved in being in such a relationship. Sacrificing one’s time. Sharing one’s internal world. Being intimate both emotionally and physically.

It’s a big deal to decide to break all that up, especially if the guy has personally been happy with the relationship. Thus, in an effort to treat the guy with care and consideration, the girl ought to have that final conversation with him in a cordial way and provide him with clarity and closure, even if she may not really want to.

If I were to be so bold, she would owe it to him.

I think this general idea (of being considerate to those around you even if it might be personally difficult) can apply to all sorts of scenarios one can think of.

When someone needs a favour from you. When you need to share difficult news. When you feel the need to admonish someone.

As social beings, the manner in which we treat people and talk with them should always be a priority in our lives.

We ought to try to meet people at their level and act in ways that would be appropriate to them (as well as to ourselves of course).

We all have an interest and duty to learn how to be mindful of one another, of other’s emotions and wishes. That doesn’t mean we will always act perfectly in that regard, but it means we should still try.

Anyway, I feel like I’m preaching here. I’ll just try to bring this rant to a close now.

Basically, I simply can’t stand hearing things like “Nobody owes you anything”, for it completely ignores what it means to live in community with each other and have relationships with your fellow human beings.

Again, I feel like people say things like this when they find themselves in situations where they’d rather be self-centered and not have to put in the effort to treat someone in a considerate and empathetic way. Or when they hear of another person’s story and want to say that they too would have been selfish.

It’s worth noting that if you were to actually abide by the maxim of ‘not owing anything to anybody’ in your daily life, it would be quite challenging, to say the least, to be able to form and maintain lasting relationships, friendships, familial connections, or even acquittances.

As long as we live in society, we do ‘owe’ things to each other.

We can’t fall into the trap of thinking otherwise. That we each are isolated nomads who should only be concerned about our interests and emotions but nobody else’s.

Today, we are already living in a world where many people are more secluded and alone in both a physical and psychological sense. We should adopt an ethics of care and concern toward other people that can help fight against that.

Our cultures are arguably getting more individualistic, where people are brought up to be ‘on their own’ and primarily focused on themselves and their own desires.

I will say there are some benefits associated with more individualistic cultures. But I do not take a maxim like “Nobody owes you anything” to be one of them.