The Desire to Raise a Child

I think in almost everyone’s minds, the question of having children has come up at some point.

It’s a common thing to consider, particularly as one enters adulthood.

As a person finishes their education and begins to work full-time, they’re confronted with the issue of what they want their adult life to be like. Whether that life entails raising children of their own, or not.

They may begin to notice more people around them starting a family. Friends ask them if they’d like to have children one day. Family may be pestering them on when they’re going to get another grandchild or nibling.

This is especially true if one is in a relationship, and has been in one for a while.

Different people will then manage this in different ways. Some gladly end up having a child, while others are unsure about it or downright refuse to.

I want to think through this a bit: the interest in having a child.

It’s a desire that people usually develop at some point in their lives. But there are different reasons that one could consider that motivate this desire.

I’ll try to think through some of them here (I’ll number the reasons as I go along).

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I guess the first one a person can consider has to do with basic biology. That we as human beings have physical urges and naturally reproduce; hence, a person has a child (Reason 1).

This naturalistic argument, that a human being by nature wants to have children, wouldn’t capture the whole picture.

If we all have the same natural desire to have children as humans, why do some people want and end up having fewer kids than others?

Why do some people not want kids and never do?

Why do fertility rates change depending on the time and place we’re speaking of?

This suggests there’s something outside a simple biological urge that shapes people’s desire to have kids or not.

Social reasons, or reasons that are more deliberative.

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One social reason could be, for lack of a better term, imitation.

A person has a child because they have seen a whole bunch of people doing so. People in their family. Friend circles. Strangers. Figures in the media that they consume (Reason 2)

They then choose to imitate that behaviour.

They were raised and socialized in a way that they think having children is just a thing you should do as a person. That they would be missing something in their lives if they didn’t do so.

But they would then be having a child somewhat automatically, not really deliberating and rationally deciding whether having a child is personally right for them.

It could be like how some people end up in college or university. An 18-year-old could initially start studying something at university not because they actually sat down, considered their interests and skills, and made a “rational” decision on what’s best for them. But largely because they see other people around their age going to university, and have been told that that’s just the thing they should do.

There are likely some parents who have used a similar kind of reasoning (if we can truthfully even call it ‘reasoning’).

People having a child simply because they think that’s just the thing to do, not because it is particularly right for them and their personality.

It would be best if people didn’t do this.

People shouldn’t just take the major responsibility of having a child without knowing if they can properly do it.

That being said, I think most people do think through it more and don’t just automatically choose to have a child. If you ask a lot of people why they have or want a child, they will likely give you a more fleshed-out reason.

I’ll go through some other reasons for having a child. I’ll largely start with some that I think are more selfish, and then move on to ones that are less so.

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One reason could be that they want someone to take care of them when they get older (Reason 3).

When one grows old or sick, one typically relies on or gets support from one’s child, who is relatively healthier and of working age. Hence, a person has a child with this in mind.

I think it’s pretty clear that this would be a selfish reason.

A child isn’t seen as good in itself, but insofar as they’ll be able to help the parent later on in life. The child is then used as a means to an end, the end being to be taken care of in old age.

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There’s another reason that’s semi-related to this.

One has a child because they want something in their life that “keeps them going.” (Reason 4)

This may be something the reader has heard of before (I certainly have).

Where a parent has said there was a time in their life when they felt really down, aimless, or mentally unwell. And they said the one thing that kept them going was their responsibility to their child.

They told themselves they had to stay on track since they knew their child was dependent on them and they needed to be there for them.

Even when times are tough, a parent often perseveres for the sake of their child.

A person can choose to have a child for this reason.

They wish for something (or someone) that’ll keep them socially connected to the world. A reason to live that’s bigger than themselves.

Even if one loses friends or older family members in one’s life, their child is often the one guaranteed social connection they have, assuming the child outlives them.

Now, this reason to have a child seems less selfish than the last one, though still a little selfish.

Once the child is born, you work and live for the sake of the child (at least in part), which is clearly selfless and admirable.

But the initial decision to have a child is motivated by a desire to protect one’s future mental health. To not feel aimless and isolated in the future.

Thus, it’s still something one does primarily for oneself.

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Another reason could have to do with religion. A person has a child simply because that’s what their religion prescribes or strongly recommends (Reason 5).

I’ll just say two simple things about this reason.

First, one could say that this reason only works if the religion in question is true or worth following. And that has to do with debates on the validity of religion, which I won’t get into here.

Second, this reason doesn’t work to convince a person who doesn’t already follow the religion. If they see the religion as false and/or they think it provides little to no benefit to their lives, then they obviously won’t have a child because a religion tells them to.

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Moving on, a person can choose to have a child because of gender roles and expectations (Reason 6).

They’ll say something like “as a man” or “as a woman” it’s important for them to have a child to raise.

The issue is that this claim is more about a perceived social norm than it is about what’s right for an individual.

Just because there is the belief that a man or woman should have a child to affirm their social identity, it does not mean that an individual man or woman is suited to have and raise a child.

When it comes to such a personal and consequential decision, one should not simply look at a social expectation in order to make a choice.

Rather, a man or woman should assess themselves, their personality, their interests, and their own particular circumstances to decide whether they can raise a child well and whether it’s right for them.

Even if there is a general fact or statistic that people tend to be decent parents and enjoy having a child, it doesn’t follow that a particular individual should raise a child, as their personality and experience may be different.

Also, this initial reason that has to do with gender norms is, in some sense, inconsiderate to the child. For a man or woman is raising a child to abide by a social expectation, not because that’s what’s in the best interest of the child.

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I’ll move on to another reason that’s potentially more problematic.

A person wants and has a child because they want someone who is dependent on them and who they can control (Reason 7).

They want to have a whole individual who belongs to them.

An individual whom they can push their values and interests onto. An individual they can mold into the person they want. Sometimes meaning they want the person to be an extension of themselves.

They enjoy wielding the power a parent has over their child. And they enjoy that power for its own sake.

And wielding this power can seem more appealing to a person when they feel powerless in their life in other contexts. When they have a boss at work who lords over them. When they have politicians who largely ignore their concerns. When their life chances are constrained due to their economic and social position.

Having a child could be the one scenario where they can be the powerful decision-maker for a change. They can be the one dominating over another, as a child’s experiences and well-being are dependent upon the choices and will of the parent.

I’m sure we’re all aware that a child’s opportunities in life are largely shaped by how the parent chooses to raise them, especially during the early years when the child’s brain is very malleable and rapidly developing.

It would be selfish for someone to view this dominating power as the ultimate reason to have a child.

One would not be raising a child for the child’s own sake or benefit, but for the satisfaction of a desire to control another person and act like a master.

This is certainly not a reason every parent resonates with, but I’m willing to bet at least some parents have behaved and thought in this way (if not explicitly, then implicitly).

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Next, there could be a reason that has to do with the perceived utility of the child.

A person desires a child because they would be useful to the family they’re a part of (Reason 8).

Think of a family that lives on a farm and works in agriculture.

They raise a child to have another member who can work on the farm and help the family.

This reason can, of course, apply outside of this farm example. One can have a child because they’ll eventually finish their education, get a good job, and financially provide for the family in the future.

Now, this reason is less selfish than some of the other ones.

A person is thinking about how a child can benefit them, but also the people in their family. They are doing something for the good of their loved ones, trying to ensure they’ll have material support.

Still, the child is being raised for the sake of the family, not for the sake of the child themselves (I know, I’ve been saying this a lot in this post).

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There could also be a related reason that goes beyond the family.

A person raises a child in order to make a productive and contributing member of society (Reason 9).

A child eventually turns into an individual who can work in community with others, make their mark on the world, and help others in some way.

The child can grow up to invent something that improves people’s lives, do a small act of kindness to someone that makes their day, or anything in between.

Hence, someone has a child with that in mind. Raising a child as a way to give back/contribute to society.

In my eyes, this is definitely the least selfish reason I’ve covered so far.

A person is having a child for the collective good, producing someone who will hopefully benefit the lives of others in some way.

However, if this reason can work as a selfless one, does that mean that everyone who is capable of having a child should have one? Since this could act as one main moral way to contribute to society.

I don’t think so.

Primarily because all the potential good a child can do in the world can likely already be done by the person themselves.

There have been so many people who became doctors, inventors, artists, philosophers, activists, community leaders, and more, and who also never had children.

This is especially due to the fact that child rearing is such a time-consuming endeavour that can pull people away from making other important contributions to society.

Also, as I mentioned before, not everyone has the personality or skills to raise a child successfully in a manner that they end up being a productive member of society.

Hence, a person should look within themselves and decide whether they’re personally suited to raise a child, and/or make other important contributions.

It’s also worth mentioning that with this reason, even though the child is being raised for the collective interest, it is still not being done for the sake of the child themselves.

The child is seen as having instrumental value, not intrinsic value.

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I’ll consider one other reason to raise a child that is seemingly unselfish.

A person raises a child for the child’s own sake (Reason 10).

They raise a child to help nourish another person and allow them to become the best version of themselves.

They appreciate and desire the deep emotional and social connection that one can typically have with a child.

And through that connection, they want to support the child in flourishing and living the safest and most fulfilling life they can.

Quite simply, one is raising a child to give them love and support.

I think this reason works well as a moral one.

I just see one central issue with it.

It still can’t work to truly explain why one should have/make a child in the first place.

As I’ve discussed, it’s important that a person raises and cares for a child for the child’s own sake.

But initially, before one makes the decision to have a child, there is no child to speak of.

That person that you can give love and support to, and who you are responsible for, is not there. They do not exist.

And they won’t exist in the world unless people decide to conceive and give birth to them.

A person who desires a child cannot say they desire one for the child’s own sake, since there is initially no child that demands moral attention in the first place.

I do think it’s different in the case of an adoptive parent.

For there is initially a child that exists in the world and requires moral attention. And then a person steps in to take responsibility for them, and love and support them.

Provided an adoptive parent is capable of raising a child well, I believe this reason works as a good and admirable one.

As for the non-adoptive parent who wishes to bring a new child into the world, I think they are less selfless than the adoptive parent.

In the beginning, before the child is conceived and/or born, the person simply desires the parent-child emotional connection, thinking that will bring an immense benefit to their own life.

That’s what motivates them to have the child. They are not doing it for the child’s sake, who again does not exist (yet), but for their own sake.

It is only after the child comes into the world that we can say the person is doing it both for the child’s sake and their own.

Hopefully, the parent is able to raise the child with enough resources, care, and love that the child is grateful for the fact that they chose to bring them into the world and be their parent in the first place.

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Alright, I’ll end with two more reasons. Ones that I personally find to be silly (though who knows, maybe the reader does not).

One can have a child because babies and children are cute to them (Reason 11).

They smile when they see a baby or are playing with one.

They then wish to have their own baby that they can find cute and take care of. Their own bundle of cuteness that they can see every day.

The good thing about this reason is that it is seemingly sweet and innocent.

Still, it doesn’t work as a sufficient reason to commit to raising a child.

Cuteness almost never lasts forever.

Those feelings will likely fade as the child gets older, and as the relationship one has with their child inevitably gets stressful and complicated.

Hence, one should still look within themselves and make sure they have the time, resources, and character to properly raise a child, regardless of whether they’ll find them cute or not.

Finding babies cute doesn’t necessarily predict adequate parenting.

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Finally (I really find this one silly, but I’ve heard it before), a person can choose to have a child because they want to pass down their genes (Reason 12).

This kind of relates to the first reason about biology that I talked about.

They wish to make their own genetic mark on the world. Pass down their genetic information that will live on after they die.

It’s difficult for me to see the reason in this.

There are billions of people who live on this planet. Not to mention those who lived before and will live after us.

The degree to which an individual has an effect on the gene pool is infinitesimally small.

Also, who’s to say the genetic information has more moral value on its own? What does it matter if a child has your genetic information if you end up making their life difficult or depressing through your parenting, or if that child goes on to harm or negatively affect other people?

On top of that, once you die, that’s it. Humanity will live on with little to no concern about your genetic information. And you personally won’t care about it either because, simply put, you’ll be dead.

Lastly, a person, in this case, would be having a child due to their own individual desire to pass on their genes. As opposed to what I have saying so many times in this post: raising a child for the child’s own sake.

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Okay, I covered more reasons to have a child than I initially planned to.

I’ll end with a summary of the reasons I covered here. No doubt, there are other things that could potentially motivate a desire to have a child, things that I didn’t discuss here.

Also, the reasons discussed are not necessarily mutually exclusive. However, even if a person has several reasons in mind, it is very likely that one reason is persuading them more than another.

Nevertheless, these are just the reasons to raise a child that I was able to think of at this point in time.

1. To be in line with our apparent biological nature as humans to reproduce
2. To imitate other people’s behaviour/choices
3. To have someone who can take care of you when you get older
4. To create a social connection that will “keep you going” for the foreseeable future
5. To abide by what your religion prescribes or strongly recommends
6. To conform to gender roles and expectations
7. To possess someone who is dependent on you and who you can control
8. To bring about someone who can work and provide for your family
9. To produce someone who will work for the collective interest and be a contributing member to society
10. To work in the best interest of the child as an individual person
11. To have a bundle of perceived cuteness in your home
12. To ensure your genetic information is passed down

And, as I have written, I think some of these reasons are more justifiable than others.